


Anything But

by First_Duchess



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Dialogue Heavy, Explicit Language, Humor, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, RoyEd Week 2019, Winry/Riza if you squint, because I can't write Ed without him dropping the F bomb, ooc probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 05:48:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20237761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/First_Duchess/pseuds/First_Duchess
Summary: “Riza, how do two men have sex?”





	Anything But

**Author's Note:**

> RoyEd Week Day 3! Prompt: ordinary
> 
> This is literally just a crack joke of a story for some laughs. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Do you take cream or sugar in your coffee?”

Winry was jerked out of whatever fleeting thoughts she had been having at that moment and looked up at the older woman, smiling softly, “Both, please. Thanks.”

Riza returned her smile, setting down the bowl of sugar and pitcher of cream before sitting down across from her, passing Winry her mug while she sat hers down on a coaster.

“I must say, it’s quite the surprise to be seeing you. Last I heard from Edward, you have been making a name for yourself in Rush Valley.”

Winry blushed slightly, stirring in her additions to her coffee, “I’m quite surprised Ed mentions me in conversation, to be honest.”

“He and Alphonse speak very highly of you when you are brought up.”

“Speaking of Ed…” Winry took a sip of her coffee. She had to admit, Riza made the best coffee in the office. The few times she had been here, it tasted completely awful. “I was wondering if I could confide in you something.”

Riza quirked a slender blonde brow, also fixing her coffee to her liking, “Well, Ms. Rockbell, whatever you made need advice on, I do not mind trying to help.”

“Please, call me Winry,” she smiled. “It’s not so much needing _help_ per say, or maybe it is, but not with something physical. More on the understanding side of things.” Riza nodded, so she continued, “You’re aware of Ed’s relationship with the Colonel, yes?”

Riza choked on her coffee a little, and met Winry’s gaze, which was now filled with concerned for her wellbeing. “I’m fine, sorry. I think you caught me off guard.” She sat her mug down, “Yes, I have been made aware of his relationship with the Colonel. May I ask where you’re going with this?”

“Well, I just, I don’t know. We both came from a small town, and at least Ed and Al got to see the world, and Rush Valley _is_ a lot bigger than Resembool, but it’s not like it has _everything_ and—”

“Ms. Ro—Winry, you’re starting to ramble.”

“Oh…I suppose I am.” Winry gave a nervous laugh, fidgeting with the hem of her skirt, and then looked at Riza with her big, ocean-blue eyes, “Riza, how do two men have sex?”

If Riza had coffee in her throat at that moment, she definitely would have choked. She blinked a couple times and couldn’t suppress the light laugh that bubbled out of her throat, “Winry, dear, _that’s_ what has you in a bind?”

The younger blonde in question pouted with a light blush coming to her cheeks, “It’s not _funny_. I’m a country bumpkin auto-mail mechanic who only travels to Rush Valley and Central, if I’m lucky. I spent my whole childhood in my hometown. How am I supposed to know?”

Riza shook her head with a small smile, “I suppose there wouldn’t be a reason for you to know. Your question is valid, and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable by finding humor in your question. I believe I responded that way because, to be honest, that was definitely not a question I was expecting.” She noticed Winry’s flush deepen, and her smile turned sweet, “Please, no need to be embarrassed.”

Winry took a deep breath, steeling herself, and then spoke, “I know how it works for a man and a woman. I mean, that’s pretty typical, right?”

“One could say, yes.”

“But, like, two _men_…how does that even work?!”

This time, Riza really couldn’t hold in her laugh at the pure innocence and frustration of Winry’s voice, “Well, Winry, it’s not too different from a man and a woman. I could explain if you like.” With Winry’s optimistic nod, she began giving her a rundown of the basics, including how a typical encounter between two men would go.

***

“Wait, so…they put their fingers in there? And _that_, too? _And_ it feels good?” Winry was about as perplexed as they come, and Riza couldn’t let go of how ridiculously adorable it was. “

“Yes. In fact, there is an organ within the male anatomy that can provide the same pleasures for them as the g-spot can for women.”

“Why do you _know_ so much about this?”

“Well, curiosity got the best of me,” Riza sipped her coffee and continued, “besides, what better way to get an understanding of something unknown than by reading about it and hearing it from the horse’s mouth?”

Winry nodded, sipped her coffee, then spat it out at realization, “Wait, you asked _the Colonel_ about all that?!” Riza’s look offered zero problem with what she just said, so she went on, “He’s your superior officer. That had to have been awkward.”

“He was not always my superior, you know. That particular conversation happened prior to me being in his command.” Her eyes were warm as she spoke, “I have no trouble admitting that I had feelings for the Colonel prior to this arrangement. He disclosed with me in solitude over how he truly felt, and after my initial shock it spurred a game of twenty questions. It cleared up a lot for me, and I felt better just having the knowledge in general. I think knowledge is something we could all use, regardless of what it’s about. If there’s something that you don’t know about or are unsure, there is no reason to remain uneducated as long as you have proper resources at your disposal. For me, I just got lucky by having a first-hand explanation.”

Winry sat for a moment, then gasped, “You think Ed would tell me from his point of view if I asked him?”

“That’s not _exactly_ what I meant.”

“Well, you never know! Ed isn’t the most typical person I know, anyway. It might work!”

Riza gave a thought and chuckled, “That is true. I suppose him and the Colonel are similar in that fashion.”

_Huh? Ed isn’t anything like him!_ “What’s that?”

“They are both anything but ordinary, in all sense of the word. From their work ethic to their humor, their battles and miseries, even to how they handle themselves. They’re both bloody brilliant and tragic. They couldn’t be any more different from the rest of the world, yet they are probably completely normal to each other.” Riza crossed her legs, “It’s probably a good explanation as to why they work as well as they do. They say opposites attract, but in this scenario, I think it’s more that they’re so opposite from everyone else that they find their similarities with each other.”

Winry mulled it over, then allowed a small, satisfied smile, “Hey, maybe you’re right.”

***

“Hnnnmmm, hello?”

“Hey, Ed, it’s me.”

“Winry, it’s two in the fucking morning.”

“You and I both know you’re still up. Don’t even try that with me. Hey, what’s it like having sex with Mustang?”

Ed sputtered a quick ‘fucking hell, Win, go to sleep’ before he slammed the phone down onto the receiver.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for this heap of garbage, I wrote it in like an hour and a half. uwu;;


End file.
